Uncle Boonmee And The Nature of Art

OK, let's get the important bit out of the way: don't watch this movie. You don't need to nor should you ever want to. It's obtuse, self-indulgent and, worst of all, boring; so pretty much the kind of movie I'd end up making if I got my hands on a camera, but still. The point is: this is a piece of shit. Pretty, sure, but shit.

You can polish a turd all you like but, at the end of the day, it still came out of an anus.

Good. I'm glad that we've got that sorted right off the bat; now I'll be a little more specific.

Battle of the Blockbusters: Contagion vs The Flu

"There was nothing they could do to stop...The Flutagion!"

Christ, it's been a month since I reviewed a movie; and nearly two since I reviewed a horror film. The fuck is going on around here? This will not do, this will not do at all. To rectify the situation, I bring you yet another new kind of post where I pit two similar movies against each other and force them to battle to the death, Star Trek style.

No modified kayak paddles were harmed in the making of this article.

In the red corner we have Contagion, the 2011 disaster thriller about Gwyneth Paltrow fucking everyone's shit up by eating badly cooked pig. In the blue corner is Flu/Gamgi, South Korea's 2013 answer to that other film I just mentioned.

The idea here will be to look at both movies side by side, pick out their similarities and differences and eventually name one of them the ultimate victor. Maybe I'll even come up with a suitable killing blow to the loser, something that would make Mortal Kombat proud.

Because if you've already punched off their frozen head, you might as well shatter their torso too.

Without further ado...