Movie Props: Film Stuff We Really Want

Hi everybody! It's summer time! And that means no more uni work and many, many afternoons spent watching TV I've already seen and producing various baked goods. This may also now have taken over work as the primary reason I've not actually written anything but shush, I have earned my cookie time, y'hear?

No-one can take me away from my cookie. NO-ONE.

As a special summer treat, us folks at The Pop Culture Cynic have been asked by them peeps over at Invaluable.com, the on-line auction site for all your odd antique and memorabilia needs, to come up with a list of movie props we would love to get our slimy, jam-covered hands all over. Those of you who have been around a while might remember the guest post we had a while back looking at great nerdy goods you can pick up for affordable prices; well this is less cool stuff you can actually buy and more our dream team of spectacularly awesome movie bits and bobs that we'd love to display in our six story mansion made out of gummy bears. We've put together 5 pieces of film history that we'd love to have, so sit back and join us in groaning loudly at not being able to own any of this:

The Pop Culture Cynic's Top 5 Filmy Things

Why didn't he just hide the hammer inside the tunnel rather than in a bible?

1. Andy Dufresne's Rock Hammer - The Shawshank Redemption

I thought I'd start my list with an instantly iconic item from one of the most universally adored movies of all time. No, not Kurt Russell's chin from [insert Kurt Russell movie here], but the adorably tiny rock hammer that kindly helped Andy Dufresne escape from Shawshank Prison in that movie with Rita Hayworth in it (spoilers). This movie is pretty much impossible not to like, even with all the brutal beatings and gay gang rapes, and it's IMdB rating proves that; to have anything from this film would be a privilege, but that hammer would be the icing on the Morgan Freeman's face-shaped cake. Plus, you could keep it inside a bible because of course you'd have to.

Although...

A close second would have to be that beautiful tin hidden under a rock in Buxton, Maine. It's aged, beautiful, and ever so vintage looking; it even has a White Star liner on it! I'd love to keep my cuff links in a tin like that.

"Oooh, yeah. You're so dirty, aren't you?"

I would ride everywhere screaming "NYEOOWW!"

2. Ramona's Rollerblades - Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

The only reason I've not yet done a Film Favourites post on Scott Pilgrim is because I've not devised a method of condensing my love for this movie down into few enough words for normal human beings to consume. When that hurdle has been scaled, we'll have it, but until then I'll just keep re-watching it every two weeks and weeping quietly to myself.

Now there's a lot of cool merch to pick from in this movie, like any of Scott's nerdilicious t-shirts, the band's instruments, or any one of Ramona's beautifully coloured wigs; I, however, have gone for one of the more awesome but very underused items in the aforementioned lady-person's roster of goodies: her rollerblades. They turn up in like one scene, scorch the very Earth, and then vanish completely for the rest of the movie. I WANT AWESOME INTER-DIMENSIONAL FIRE BLADES TOO.

Although...

There's always the coolest fictional arcade cabinet ever devised to choose from too. Who wouldn't want to have this thing in their house, making every moment of their life that more awesome simply through its very presence. Every family dispute would boil down to a game of ninja Dance Dance Revolution (Ninja Ninja Revolution); that's a household I would be proud of.

"Just put the fucking bins out!"

If you're feeling cheap, just paint an old tin of ham black and make a fake
certificate of authenticity.

3. The Film Reel - Cinema Paradiso

More people need to see Cinema Paradiso. That's the long and short of it. Any person with even an ounce of film buff in them will get major feels for this movie all about the relationship between an elderly projectionist and a little boy. It is equal parts beautiful and heart-breaking, as any good film should be, really, and the final scene when Toto watches the film reel his old friend left him is just...excuse me... *sob* Straight up raw emotion is what it is.

Although...

That sign. That gorgeous neon sign. Give it to me.

Right above my front door, please.

Here is the full scene in all its glory.

4. Hynkel's Inflatable Globe - The Great Dictator

Charlie Chaplin's best movie is City Lights, and I will challenge anyone who disagrees with me to a hilarious 5 minute long boxing match to determine who is right. That said, there's not many iconic items to be had in that particular movie, so to fulfil my requirement of at least one Chaplin item I've gone to his second best film, the Liberal coup de grace to both the horrors of fascism and Chaplin's own career, The Great Dictator.

If it were possible, I would just have an original reel of the whole movie, but that's not technically a prop so I discounted it. Then, there was a bottle of Chaplin's golden voice reciting that spectacular closing speech; again, not actually a thing. So, I went for the scene that had me giggling at its iconic silliness all the way through; the crazed dictator gleefully juggling an inflatable globe around his office is simply satirical perfection. Sure, it's probably deflated and horrendously fragile by now, but that's a keepsake if ever there was one.

Although...

I am tempted by the mustard pot in the elaborately silly obligatory food scene. Fill it with cream and serve strawberries with it.

Public Safety Announcement: Please inspect condiments thoroughly before applying to any comestibles.

Are you ready? Then let's play Round One of...Scalp or Scotty Dog!

5. The Scalp of O-ren Ishii - Kill Bill: Volume 1 

No, I'm not picking a Hattori Hanzo sword. That would be too obvious, and there's plenty other awesome things to choose from in Kill Bill. Like, for example, the scalp of the infamous American-Chinese Yakuza boss, O-ren Ishii.

Oo, wait, maybe the Pussy Wagon's keychain... Or a Crazy 88 mask... Or Elle Driver's eye patch. Oh my days, there's so much choice! Oo, oo! How about The Bride's yellow jumpsuit? And this is without even considering Volume 2...

Although...

I want the headstone of Paula Shultz. Anything that was involved in a scene where someone literally punched their way out of a grave, I want.

"Must...have...cool stuff!!"

So there we have it, my list of countless bits of cinema gold that I would love to have. If you've got any goodies that you've always wanted, or if you happen to know a guy who knows a guy who could get me this stuff, feel free to tell us below. It's been good fun thinking up some fun and unusual bits and bobs for this article, so thanks again to Invaluable.com for the idea; maybe they'll even send me some priceless movie artefact in thanks. That'd be nice...

Many thanks.

Everything, Adequately #3 - The Season Finale Is Not What It Seems

David Bowie makes everything better. New Bowie Bran Flakes; buy them while stocks last!

Try Calligraphy: All the Cool Kids are Doin' It

Difficulty - 3/5
Duration - 5/5 (As long as you like, really)

So, you're bored. Uni's over, all your friends are away home, you've caught up on Season 3 of Orange is the New Black on Netflix and so there's nothing left to watch. Why not try a hand at calligraphy? Hell, you probably already know how to read and write so half the battle's done for you.

If you can't, please get the person reading this to you to hurry up with teaching you to do it yourself.

A friend of mine introduced me to scribbling words in fancy ways back in the spring and was even kind enough to lend me his Pilot Parallel calligraphy pen and some ink to get myself started. I swear, aside from knitting I have yet to find another pastime that is more gloriously mind-cleansing than calligraphy. It is the most zen thing even; just turn your head off and write down the first thing that comes to you.

I had watched quite a bit of Black Books that day.

Now, the important thing is to get the basics down first. Start big and then work down to smaller sizes of text; you'll notice your mistakes better if the letters are larger. With that in mind, pick up a broad spring loaded pen like the aforementioned Pilot Parallel (this post is brought to you by Pilot) and practise on lined graph paper. Once you've chosen a script to work with and feel like you're getting the hang of it, you can pick up a cheap fountain pen with a couple of different widths of nib for doing smaller work.

Right. You've got some kit; now for the writing. Get yourself a book that goes through how to construct each letter in a script nice and thoroughly. I've been using The Art of Calligraphy and it's great; super concise, easy to understand, and totally not available as a PDF for free...ahem.

Start with a script that you both like the look of and is nice and simple to begin with, but be sure to double check what kind of pen is best for each text. Then, practise.

Lots of it.

Repetition is the name of the game. Start with just going through the alphabet, focussing particularly on the letter O as it usually features a lot of the major components of the script, particularly size and scale. Pangrams will also be your best friend. Then start doing the thing with random words.

I was hungry this time...and apparently thinking of ice climbing.

I even practised while revising:

My train of thought when writing words will be studied for millennia to come.

The last challenge you can go for is trying to write longer or larger scale works and new and interesting fonts.

Some Mervyn Peake in Chancery Italic.

My first super big endeavour is writing The Higwayman by Alfred Noyes for a special lady friend's birthday in Fraktur, with the fancy big capitals in the boxes and everything. I even did the good old dipping paper in cold tea trick to make it cool and old-looky.

"Oh my, would you look at all these papers haphazardly strewn over my desk in an aesthetically pleasing fashion..."

The bottom line of it all is relax, enjoy yourself and mess around. Writing is something we all do every day, and it's nice to step away from the standard of typed text and hark back to the days of pen and ink for a while. It'll shine a new light on something you've never really stopped to think about before.

Happy writing!

The Calling (Spoilers ahead)

Gosh, I've been a tad abysmal at this whole posting thing haven't it? You're probably all sick to death of reading me saying sorry and explaining why I've been unable to post, so let's just get on with it shall we?

Susan Sarandon and the guy from That 70's Show team
up to catch a serial killer, what more do you want?

I'm going to go ahead and warn y'all that spoilers are imminent within this review, but somehow I don't think you'll mind, as I highly doubt any of you are going to watch this film, and I can't really talk about it at length without going into spoiler territory, so otherwise this review would just be this:

Lisa Simpson: providing more reviews for Pop Culture Cynic than Rhona

So, straight off the bat, this was director Jason Stone's first full length film and boy does it show. It's awfully formulaic. Small town where nothing much happens is shaken when one of it's residents is murdered in a grotesque (their word, not mine) way. Enter alcoholic, worn out detective Hazel Micallef (Sarandon), poppin' pills like no tomorrow and doesn't need anyone's help. Next up is Detective Ben Wingate (70's guy Topher Grace), young and full of life and spirit and is everything Hazel isn't. It's clear to see where Stone got his influences: I feel like he probably watched Fargo and Se7en in the same night and thought to himself, "Heeeeeeeeeeeey. I gots an idea, so I do."

There really aren't many screencaps of this
film floating about, I don't think anyone has
watched it.

This also appears to be screenplay writer Scott Abramovitch's first full length feature film screenplay, which is equally as glaringly obvious. The screenplay really isn't particularly strong at all; the dialogue, though generally passable, is very clunky in parts, and the plot itself is something I have a lot of issue with. The killer is revealed to the audience fairly early on in the film, and it's explained to us that he's killing for religious reasons - he wants to use the people he's killing as sacrifices to bring back his death brother. The catch is that he needs the people he kills to be willing sacrifices. Key word being willing. As soon as it's revealed to us that the victims are willing (all of them suffering from some terminal illness or another), my interest in the detectives catching him kind of died a little. Like, I don't really care that much any more, these people wanted to die, they don't really need saving. This film is no longer a thriller.

Oh hey Marge- wait. nope.

Next is that there are a lot of these weird throw-away lines to do with Hazel's past - we can gleam that she lost her child somehow, she was married at some point, she was in the hospital (possibly for an overdose) and she's injured her back somehow. None of these get developed upon in the slightest, and sure it's great to let the audience piece things together themselves, some of these definitely could have done with some development for Hazel as a character. We don't know why she is the way she is and it makes it hard to identify or sympathize with her. It's possible that she miscarried her child, this put a strain on her relationship so her husband divorced her which led to her attempted overdose and this alcoholic, pill popping cycle. But that's me filling in a lot of them blanks, and there's other stuff in the film that contradicts this story. She also had this weird relationship with this guy who was literally in two scenes, Andy. They appeared to have possibly had a relationship in the past, but he's married now, and Hazel and his wife have some kind of rivalry? I don't know. So yeah, could've done with a bit more fleshing out.

Lastly is the fairly unsatisfying ending. Hazel is abducted by Simon (the murder) and it's made clear that he's going to use her as his final victim (he needed 12). He creates this concoction for her to drink which would kill her and Hazel (depressed having lost her child) is almost convinced to drink it. But then she literally just says no. She doesn't want to die. Which throws the killer's plan way off, since the whole point is that the victims need to be willing sacrifices. So he just kills himself. Like it's so unsatisfying. Hazel doesn't fight him off and escape, the other detectives don't do anything. He kills himself. The house catches fire so that creates our sense of threat and adventure I guess. When Ben visits Hazel in the hospital at the end of the film, the stock dialogue of:

"You did it."

"No, we did it."

I was just sitting there like, no. Y'all didn't do shit. You didn't catch him or arrest him or kill him. 

"Heard you were talkin shit." No, no Susan, I'm sorry- AAAAHHHHH.

Finally, this is the kicker, remember how I was saying that these killings were motivated by a religious belief that would result in bringing Simon's brother back from the dead? No? Well I just explained it again so there you go. Simon had been keeping his brothers body wrapped in towels soaked in formaldehyde in a camper van, this is discovered about halfway through the movie. At the end, after Simon has killed himself and all 12 willing victims have been sacrificed, detectives that we haven't met before go out to the camper van and investigate it and dun dun dun - the fucking body has moved, implying that it worked. Gah. No.

"Go on anon, send Rhona hate!"

Okay, I know I've been shitting on this movie a lot. But, I didn't entirely hate it. The film looked pretty nice visually and the performances were actually reasonably strong. It just goes to show however that good actors can't save a film that suffers from poor direction and writing. 

Till next week time follks!

Everything, Adequately #2 - A Nice Warm Cuppa

You're getting another comic because I'm super stressed and this is helping me relax. Once resits are done we'll have ourselves some proper posts. Also, yes, that is my Troy and Abed in the Morning mug.

"I am wearing my pyjaaaamas!"

(This comic is in no way autobiographical. Any resemblance of characters to reptiles living or dead is purely coincidental.)

Everything, Adequately #1 - Greetings

I have been doing much more drawing recently that I have writing, so you're getting another comic! Hooray! This will hopefully continue to be a regular thing, let me know what you think of it all; I want it to be fun to read as well as draw, so tell me if it's crap.

Newts are notorious card sharks.

I Drew A Thing - The Platypus and the Newt

Hey everybodilypeeps! Things have not been going great over in the real world (I'll likely whinge at you rather soon), so here's a little story that I wrote and drew

all by my selfsome. I've been hoping to get a webcomic of some sort going for a while now, so consider this an attempt at starting it. Enjoy!