Mini Monday! - Love

The show is about as interesting as its poster.

This new Netflix Original is a pile of self indulgent garbage.

Gillian Jacobs is great. In Community, she played Britta's ball of lovably misguided but well-intentioned self-righteous anger spectacularly well. Britta was by no means a good person (nor is the rest of the show's cast, which is half the point) but by god was she trying, and we loved her for it. This new show, Love, has her cast in a somewhat similar role as Mickey, a heavy-drinking twenty-something with no direction in life who works in a radio station. Oh wait, no, that's nothing like Britta and more like a bingo card for "most unimaginative, contrived, bullshit Judd Apatow comedy character ever". Hold on...holy crap. It is a Judd Apatow comedy! It all makes sense now.

Each episode's script: *30 minutes of fart noises*

Mickey starts out as a reasonably relate-able but barely functioning human being and gradually descends over the course of ten episodes into a forced caricature of every type of addict in existence. She starts out by drinking too much, like every goddamn twenty-odd year old in existence, then gradually graduates to heavier drugs before miraculously realising out of nowhere in the last episode that she's not only an alcoholic and drug addict, but also a sex addict too, because I really don't know. This doesn't occur over the space of months or years by the by, the whole series takes place in a couple of weeks, so we're meant to assume that she was like this from the beginning, but maybe all of these addictive behaviours just went on holiday for the first few episodes or something? It's stupid, really really stupid. Oo, and then there's Paul Rust's Gus. Heh. My god... Have you ever wanted to watch a grown man snivel and whine his way through 5 Christ-fucking hours of your life like a ten year old with Tourette's? Maybe you would like to watch him systematically ruin his perfectly good career because he's a completely useless human being who throws tantrums at his boss and has absolutely no concept of what he should and shouldn't do. He's not funny, he's not sympathetic; he is the single worst, most horrifyingly written pile of steaming turd that has ever dropped unceremoniously out of the imagination of another human being like a frozen stowaway falling out of the landing gear of an Airbus A380 at 30'000 feet.

I do not like this show.

My final paragraph will be about the show's writing; if you would like to save time, it's pretty much more of the above. Imagine if you fast-forwarded into the future to the age of about 60 and, along the way developed severe head trauma or some kind of brain defect. Now imagine trying, with your limited intellectual capacity and horrifyingly outdated concepts of what is and isn't hip/cool/happenin', to write a television show that appeals to the current generation of penniless students and man-children. Congratulations, you just wrote the remake to the criminally despicable Netflix show Love. The characters have an inexplicable obsession with taking Ubers and some other unnecessary and already outdated cultural phenomenon that I can't be bothered checking to see what it was. Point being, pop culture buzzwords replace actual characterisation or comedy and awkward Mexican standoffs and arguments replace comical timing or wit. It's everything I expect from a US comedy and less. I'm done here.

Overall Ben Equivalence Rating

I Don't Even Know... - Nothing compares to how disappointingly awful Love is. Although, maybe that was the cynical point they were trying to make all along... Nope. It's just plain shit.

Terrible Netflix Movies That Are So Awful They're Not Even Worth Watching

WARNING. This is not going to be well written at all. Expect spoilers and sentences that go on forever. Also lots of swearing. [Editor's Note: The management would like to apologise sincerely for the high concentration of the word 'like' and the presence of harmful levels of anguish in the following post. Please consider sending money to the Rhona Netflix Rehabilitation Fund]

Uni. Deadlines. Not doing so well. Netflix. Procrastination. Some of the worst fucking movies i've ever seen in my entire pathetic existence. Probably spoilers because these aren't legit reviews, this is just a list of terrible movies and things about them that make them terrible. These are all pretty exclusively gay movies because the LGBT section of the Netflix categories has the worst films I've ever seen and I'm trying to find the worst. Like, I'm sure the other sections have terrible films, I feel like horror has some gems, but nothing tops the "Jesus Christ this movie is so bad, I'm gonna rip my face off, how did this get made" like the lesbian films of Netflix.

Jack and Diane

Bullshit movie with a shitty font.

So Juno Temple is like a werewolf and also a lesbian and then her sister gets raped at college or something and it's posted online and that story goes fuckin' nowhere, and you know what other storyline goes fuckin' nowhere, the fuckin' werewolf one. No context or anything, she just occasionally gets a nosebleed then it shows like hair moving around a brain and then she attacks Jack but then it's just a bullshit dream or something but then at the end Jack becomes a werewolf? Also Dane DeHann is in this film for like three seconds? Also Kylie Minogue is in this fucking film? Like Jack is meant to be hot shit or whatever but she looks about twelve and Kylie looks like a million year old skeleton masquerading around in a human costume and they make out for reasons (???) and then there's this really awkward scene where Diane is trying to shave her pubes or whatever but gets shaving foam everywhere and her aunt has to help her (??!!!???) and then Jack and Diane have some of the worst, awkward, cringeyist non-sex scenes I've ever seen in my life. Nearly gave up on this film every three minutes, but it was a matter of sick curiosity. Like, this film can't get worse, can it? And then it does. Would not recommend, don't watch it, it's fucking awful.

The Guest House

*SCREAMS INTO THE ABYSS*

This movie got a lower rating on IMDb than Jack and Diane. Yeah. So I couldn't actually make it through this film, it was that fucking awful. The look of the film is hard to describe. Like, "LETS LIGHT EVERYTHING SO IT'S SO GODDAMN BRIGHT AND THEN LETS MAKE THE BACKGROUND OF EVERY SHOT BLURRY AS FUCK AND NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF VARIATION AND EVERY SHOT IS A MID SHOT AND FUCK YEAH ARTLJKSRTLIGDJN". So a goth gets dumped by her boyfriend and then her pervert of a dad is like, "I'm away on business, make sure our new house guest gets eeeeeeeverything she needs. AND NO BOYS." so then he leaves and the houseguest arrives and then they drink wine and fuck. There's stuff in between that like shitty handheld camcorder stuff where the characters get "deep" and the actresses really have a chance to shine as they look wistfully into the camera and ask each other increasingly sexual questions. The goth also stole her boyfriends phone as like revenge or whatever and then she's making out with houseguest naked in a jacuzzi  and the boyfriend shows up and like "where the fuck is my phone?" whilst not being a little phased by the naked ladies having sex. Oh and the goth is like a singer/songwriter or something. I HATE THIS FILM SO GODDAMN MUCH.

Okay, there's only 20 minutes left of it, I'm going to try and finish it.

Update:

UUUUURGH. So they go get matching tattoos of a key and heart shaped locket after only knowing each other for like twelve hours. Also it's so painstakingly obvious that every person who isn't the main characters are not actors, they're just random people. And calling the women who play goth and houseguest actresses is pretty fucking generous. ALSO I'M LEGITIMATELY CONCERNED THAT THESE ARE REAL TATTOOS??? Oh god, goth girl just got out of bed to light some candles, play the piano and sing naked. I'm so done. Oh god the song is so bad. So bad. Ahahah, so it turns out Houseguest and the Dad slept together.

Just watch the trailer I found, it is literally the entire film:

A Perfect Ending

If this poster alone doesn't clue you into how terrible this film is
then you must be legally blind and/or the director.

So this old lady who has never had an orgasm decides to hire a prostitute to help her get one. Jesus fucking Christ. I watched this ages ago and all I really remember is that it's fucking terrible, don't watch it.

Going to end it there because I should be doing uni stuff. If you do want to watch a good movie in the LGBT section, I will recommend (results may vary depending on whether you're using UK or US Netflix (US for life though)):

Blue is the Warmest Color

The Childrens Hour

Stranger by the Lake

Heavenly Creatures

Boys Don't Cry

And maybe Another Gay Movie - it's a fucking ridiculous film but it is entertaining. Graham Norton is in it. What the fuck,

What to Watch on TV - Netflix

Okay, I know I currently have another Netflix series in the works right now, but subjecting myself to truly terrible films takes a toll on the ole emotional well-being. I was going to write a review on LOL but I just about had a brain aneurysm, so I thought I'd hold off. That review is coming though, but it means I have to watch it again and that's going to take some psyching up to do. But, in the meantime, I thought I'd compile a list of shows on Netflix that are worthy of being watched. Some of these may develop into adult sized reviews later on, but this is what you're getting for now, deal with it. So now, in no particular order ...

1. Orange Is The New Black

When I find myself in times of trouble, Red comes to me speaking words of
wisdom, "Punch her in the tit."

Okay, if you haven't heard of Orange is the new Black, then I'm not sure what rock you've been living under, but it's time to get some WiFi down there and start watching it. Lady goes to prison is about as much as I'm willing to give you concerning the plot because I don't want to be held accountable for spoilery goodness. Boasting a wonderfully diverse cast, some of the best writing I've ever seen on TV and more than a few award nominations (and wins), the show has done pretty damned well for itself considering that it was introduced to the world as a Netflix original series that no-one knew how well it would do. Hell, move over Kevin Spacey and Jason Bateman, OITNB generated more viewers and hours in its first week than Netflix's other original series, Arrested Development and House of Cards. An excellent blend of black humour and soul crushing drama, OITNB is a show that needs to be watched and with both seasons on Netflix, now is the time to be watching it!

2. The Good Wife

The Good Wife is one of those shows that
makes me think I could be a lawyer.

The Good Wife is one of those shows that people assume is aimed at middle aged ladies to watch whilst they do their knitting, but I assure you that is not the case, and that assumption breaks my heart. It's an incredible drama circling around Alicia Florrick, a lawyer who now needs to get back into the game to provide for her family after husband Peter Florrick, the former States Attorney, lands himself behind bars at the heart of a humiliating sex scandal. It's so good. Everyone that I've recommended it to has loved it, and that's a lot of people because I recommend it to everyone. Good, diverse cast as well, especially age-wise; I find it's not common seeing older women in positions of power and that the writers aren't afraid to write romantic plots for because, "ew there 2 old 4 luv.", so Diane Lockhart is a wonderful figure to see. The plots are always excellent and I've never felt like they were rushed (or strung out too long), or that they were totally contrived or jumping the shark. The writing has always been on top of its game, with each season being stronger than the last. Unfortunately Netflix doesn't have the most recent season up, but hopefully that'll get fixed very soon.

3. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 

This poster is so misleading.

The previous two shows I've recommended have been fairly...I hesitate to say serious because bother OITNB and The Good Wife have copious amounts of humour in them; let's go with mature. Okay, where the previous two shows have been fairly mature, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is not. All the characters are horrible, horrible people. Like, that's about as much as I can give you. It features around four friends who own a bar, and then later on, Danny DeVito, because why the fuck not? The humour is derived from the fact that they are terrible people and that in real life no-one would do the stuff that they do. I think that some of the characters can be a little inconsistent, because in some scenarios, one character is really stupid and the other is more responsible, and then in another situation, the roles will be switched, but it's not really that big of a deal. That's all I'm going to say for this one because otherwise I'll spoil episodes.

4. House of Cards

From what I know of Kevin Spacey's character,
this poster makes me uncomfortable.

I've already done a review of House of Cards for this blog, so I'll keep this relatively short so I don't end up repeating myself. Dark political drama/thriller, Kevin Spacey is unapologetically evil and it doesn't fail to shock me. It's incredibly political with, shock horror, a lot of political language, so as someone whose knowledge of American Politics is fairly limited, I do get a little lost sometimes when it comes to the plots, but I can usually muddle my way through. I've lost my way with House of Cards a little, I've not watched it in a while because the Netflix account I was watching it on has been cancelled, so I'm using a different account, so I can't remember what episode I was on. I'll need to get back into it soon.

5. Orphan Black

This poster never fails to disconcert me. Bravo.

Similarly to House of Cards, I have also reviewed Orphan Black previously, so again I'll keep this short to avoid repeating what I've already said. Great acting, especially from Tatiana Maslany, who is a creative force to be reckoned with and definitely someone to watch out for. Great writing too, very clever - takes a couple of episodes to really get the ball rolling though, so do stick with it. Unfortunately Netflix isn't entirely up to date in terms of seasons as season one is only available, but there is only two seasons so hopefully it should be getting added soon.

Honourable mentions:

Luther

Black Books

Black Mirror

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Misfits

The Booth at the End

Hope that's enough T.V watching to tide you through university to ensure you don't learn a thing! If I've missed anything, do let me know, I always love hearing recommendations of stuff to watch. Till next week!

Netflix Anomalies: Mean Girls 2

It tried so hard.

First order of business - I have officially been welcomed aboard the writing team of The Pop Culture Cynic in a permanent writing post; wahey! I'll be uploading on Saturdays and I look forward to a future of reviewing, ranting and general pop culture-y goodness. Let us rejoice with this picture of me and Ben dancing together the first time we met and celebrate how far we've come.

We're both wearing red converses - fate, I tells yah, fate!

Now, on to the second order of business - I'm going to start a series called Netflix Anomalies (as you may have figured from the title of this post) exploring and reviewing some of the more questionable works of film and television that can be found on one of the most glorious, procrastination enabling, life destroying sites of all time - Netflix!

I've just watched Mean Girls 2 and I have some thoughts. Let's discuss, shall we?