So This Flat Walks into a Guy...

This post is late. Again. I'm sorry. Again. It won't happen again. Again. Unless the dog happens to eat it. Again.

But Ben this is a blog post, there's nothing to eat, unless your dog has a good stomach for silicon and glass. And you don't even have a dog anyway.

Fooled yet again by that blasted species!

Enough of your nit-picking, conscience, or I'll have you taken round the back of the building and shot. Did I not make a good enough example of dignity and restraint? Didn't I?!

Ahem. So due to my unwavering laziness I have once again found myself behind on posts, so you'll have to do with another gripping update on the plans for my new flat, complete with atrociously framed photographs taken with my disappointing camera phone. I'm naming and shaming you, HTC One X+. Go think about what you've done.

I'm not angry, just disappointed.

We began with my bedroom, so I think we should move into...the kitchen. Now whereas my room and the living room (which shall be covered next time on Blog Filler Decorating) are most undoubtedly my domain when it comes to design choice, the kitchen belongs entirely to my good friend and flatmate, Georgia.

I couldn't think of a caption worthy enough to put under this picture.

Stay Awake While I Talk About Stay Alive

You may or may not have noticed, but I kind of like horror movies. Of the staggering 4 reviews I've done, a mind-blowing 50% of them have been on horror films. That's like at least half of all the movies I've watched for this blog. Dafuq!?

You. Right now.

And if there's any type of horror movie that will draw me in like a celluloid siren (totally the name of my punk rock band) with it's mesmerising promises of audio-visual wonder, its the cheesily bad budget flick with a spectacularly over the top name and a usually too-good-to-be-true premise. That's why I've sat through such classic masterpieces as My Super Psycho Sweet 16 and the slightly more upper class Wrong Turn slasher movies. Although, that said, up until I just googled that link I didn't realise there were five of them... Someone's got their weekend entertainment lined up!

When I become a parent, these films will be my babysitters.

Oh yeah, um... Gore warning for this post in case some of you are squeamish. If you aren't but happen to recommend this to any friends who are, it might be a good idea to direct them to this helpful advice before they read any further. Say its just underneath the eyeball kebab.

So, any guesses as to what this review might be on, class? No, Timmy, it's not Beauty and the Beast. Or Brokeback Mountain. Or The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Timmy, have your parents taken the time to measure your Kinsey rating, or activate your Netflix's parental control settings for that matter? Anyone else got a suggestion?

"Shut the fuck up, Timmy."

Yup, it's a horror flick, this one to be precise. Stay Alive is my kind of movie. Horror, video gaming, low budget, an IMDb rating below 5 and a unique(ish) gimmick; in this case it is a mysterious video game that kills you if your character dies in-game, essentially like an interactive rip-off of The Ring.

So This Guy Walks into a Flat...

Good morrow, my little munchkins! This blog post is not late, I assure you; it just so happens that today is the day that I pretend to live in Amchitka. Not that it matters anyway, I had one blog view yesterday. ONE. All this hard work and look how you repay me! With not even existing. You people disgust me; apart from that one person. So (you people - 1) is more appropriate. Thanks maths.

Now I did tell you that I'd keep you up to date on the goings on of things that weren't me watching movies (which is still totally awesome, isn't it?) so I would like to introduce you to my new flat!

Furnished and everything.

My Post with Marilyn

Eddie Redmayne, you are the luckiest bastard in the world.

If you don't know who our good friend Eddie is, you may remember him as Lispy McLisperton in the recent big budget adaptation of Les Grumpy French Musicians. Good movie. Might do it at a later date.

"Tho long ath you don't poke any more thun at my thpeech impedimenth."

But I do digreth- I mean digress. Why is Mr. Redmayne so lucky? Because he has the wonderful honour of being the humble love interest of both Emma Watson (that would be Hermione Granger, you heathens) and Michelle Williams, who plays our titular leading lady in My Week with Marilyn, 2011's biopic of the fabulous Marilyn Monroe. You probably haven't heard of her, she isn't well known.

"I gave prepubescent males erections before it was cool."

Five (Random) Things

You readery people are probably getting a little tired of constant movie reviews so I've decided to shake things up a bit and do something different, and this totally has nothing to do with me having not finished the next review yet. The very kind Fiona happened to tag me in one of these chain mail thingys that you can't seem to get away from, so naturally I feel obliged to join in the fun. I won't take the piss too much, promise...

The face of a man who knows how to keep a promise.

And Now, I Spoil The Skeleton Key, With Spoilers

Here's one for you. What do you get when you cross Misery with Scooby Doo on Zombie Island?

Apart from the easiest way to ruin a child for ever.

The correct answer is The Skeleton Key. One of those spooky thrillers that was all the rage around the late nineties and early noughties. Inspired by a certain movie's unusual success and based on the same model of the predictably unpredictable ending, these films are enjoyable for the simple fact that you know exactly what you're getting before you even start the torrent downloading, because who the hell would pay for a movie that looks exactly like the last five?

"I see dead advertising executives."

You may not remember this film coming out. There is not a lot that is special about The Skeleton Key. The only reason I'm writing about it is so I could make the gif up there. You will know the entire plot before I even tell you. After I tell you, you'll know it twice. And you'll have forgotten something important to make brain-room for it. Like where your mum's grave is. Or which of your neighbours is a convicted paedophile. Or which neighbour's house you left your child at.

"From what I can see, he's either at Jackie's having milk and cookies or at Dave's being sodomised."

V/H/S, Now on iTunes

Oh found-footage, how we have such a strange fascination with you. This phenomenon is either to satisfy the very niche market of motion sickness fetishists or a perfect example of our sudden, inexplicable need to regress back to a more primitive form. Like some kind of worldwide media version of Altered States.

Except, at the same time, nothing like it.

Now my previous post's mention of the infamous Succubi, or sex demons, reminded me that I had been recommended to watch a found-footage film involving some of the very same creatures.

V/H/S is one such film, and it takes place in a universe where everyone seems to think it's a good idea to record all of their sexual endeavours, whether their partner consents to it or not. Everyone in this movie is vile. From the petty criminals cum voyeurism porn makers who set up the recurring narrative to each of the unsuspecting victims of the movie's wonderfully gruesome monsters. Even the seemingly well meaning boyfriend of tape number 2 is an insufferable creep once he is alone in a room with a half-naked woman.

At last, a place where he belongs.