Battle of the Blockbusters: Contagion vs The Flu

"There was nothing they could do to stop...The Flutagion!"

Christ, it's been a month since I reviewed a movie; and nearly two since I reviewed a horror film. The fuck is going on around here? This will not do, this will not do at all. To rectify the situation, I bring you yet another new kind of post where I pit two similar movies against each other and force them to battle to the death, Star Trek style.

No modified kayak paddles were harmed in the making of this article.

In the red corner we have Contagion, the 2011 disaster thriller about Gwyneth Paltrow fucking everyone's shit up by eating badly cooked pig. In the blue corner is Flu/Gamgi, South Korea's 2013 answer to that other film I just mentioned.

The idea here will be to look at both movies side by side, pick out their similarities and differences and eventually name one of them the ultimate victor. Maybe I'll even come up with a suitable killing blow to the loser, something that would make Mortal Kombat proud.

Because if you've already punched off their frozen head, you might as well shatter their torso too.

Without further ado...

3 Ways Community Has Ruined My Life

2009 was a big year. Not only was it the last year of the glorious decade that was the noughties, with all of its...stuff, but it was also the year that we lost a lot of great people; artists who touched the hearts of millions and were beloved by all. We all still miss the master of 80's teen rom coms: John Hughes.

Other notable deaths included an albino cuttlefish in a shoddily crafted human costume.

With every death, however, there comes rebirth, and although we had to say goodbye to some, our sorrow was stemmed by the release of something so perfect, something so ground-breakingly awesome, that our lives would be forever altered. 2009 was the year Community first aired.

At last, the second coming!

I was only introduced to the show this year so I'm pretty late to the party but I think those of you who have also been graced by the touch of this genius will agree when I say that Community is possibly the greatest TV show ever made. If you, like me until so recently, have managed to miss this perfect storm of entertainment, please feel free to go watch it now. We'll wait.

But heed this warning well, dear reader, for once Pandora's box has opened it may never shut again and life as you knew it shall cease to be. To be touched by the glory of Community means to be changed forever, and those changes are not always good ones; something I had to learn the hard way. In order to save you from the same pain and to give you the chance to steel yourself against this unstoppable force of awesome akin to a televisual Ark of the Covenant ghost-splosion, I would like to draw to your attention three things that may never be the same again once you hit play:

Community giveth and Community taketh away.

Ben and Rhona's Craptacular Academy Awards Low-Down! - Part 2

It's the moment you've all been waiting for with baited breath; that's right, it's time at last to finish what we started with Ben and Rhona's Craptacular Academy Awards Low-Down! *cue cheesy game show music*

So far we've seen gay con artist computer programs in space deal with their crippling family issues and now it's on to the last of our contestants. Who will win the coveted Worst Best Picture Award? Only time, or a quick scroll to the bottom of the page, will tell. Without further ado, lets get the ball rolling:

Ben and Rhona's Craptacular Academy Awards Low-Down! - Part 1

So much letter-glisten...

That week is upon us once again, ladies and gents, when we as a global community gather together to watch lots of rich people in fancy suits gawk at each other for a grand total of five minutes before we get bored of vapid Hollywood navel gazing and go find something else to do. Possibly procure a farmyard animal to sodomise or whatever it is we non-rich-white-Americans do instead of shoving gold statues into each other's rectums while telling each other how important we are.

Hollywood's idea of the average viewer.

But it's not about the red carpet parade, it's about the movies; I love movies. I also love tactless derision and ruining things for other people so, in that spirit, my good friend Rhona and I have gathered together to make fun of what we love for your enjoyment. And what better a time is there to cast our mocking gaze over the wonderful world of cinema like a sarky Eye of Sauron than the week of the Academy Awards? Of course, it would be boring to just review the films in the running like normal people so instead we have decided to look at each of the nine candidates for Best Picture this year and explain why you should definitely not go to see these films, finishing with our choice for the 86th Academy Awards Worst Best Picture, because no-one is ever allowed to have nice things.

Film Favourites: Only Yesterday

Hello, dear readers. For some time now I've reviewed films and games and talked incessantly about stuff for pages and pages of precious internet space. I've decided that in order to prepare myself for the all-too-real threat of the shapeless void that is exam stress and to save you, dear reader, some time in your own procrastination efforts, I shall start a new series of blog posts that are built around a shorter template.

But still just as entertaining and full of intrigue; like a dancing midget.

The first of these new condensed posts is a series I shall call Film Favourites, where I let you in on some of the movies that are not only great, but also hold a place much closer to my heart on a personal level; either as a result of nostalgia, relation to my own experiences or because they've managed to shape the very person that I am today.

Let that be a lesson to future parents everywhere.

The Film

The first film on the list is also one of my most beloved movies of all time: Isao Takahata's Only Yesterday, or Omohide Poro Poro if you're into knowing the phonetic translation of movie titles. 

It's "About Time" I Reviewed This *wink*

Richard Curtis movies are an odd bunch. They're funny, full of character, oh-so-British and yet they all feel so similar. The timing of my post a few days from Valentine's Day (here's some cards if you need them) might suggest what the common, far too heavily trodden theme of his movies is. That's correct: love. Who doesn't love love, right?

"I love escalated Milwaukee whale's vagina". One-liner movies confuse me.

Valentine's Day Cards for the Average Geek

Portal references: A surefire way to attract geeks.

Difficulty - 0/5
Duration - 0/5 (You literally just print it out and you're done, what more do you want?)

It's Valentine's Day in just over a week, ladies and gents. I hope you've all remembered to book that really fancy restaurant and get lots of flowers and cards and other high profit-margin items to give to your better half to prove your undying devotion to the capitalist giants that dictate our every waking thought and action.

The slogans on some of the bags for life are unnervingly appropriate.

If you've forgotten to do all of those things then I've got good news for you: there's always McDonald's. For the other small matter of finding the right way to tell them you care I've taken the time to compile some completely original (and not already over-used) geek-themed Valentine's Day card designs for you to print out and lovingly shove in your boy/girlfriend's face. They're watermark-free seeing as I've essentially just spliced licensed properties into cheesy jokes, however please be nice and don't straight up nick them to pretend that you're as funny and charming and well-endowed as me; all I ask is for recognition of my genius.

You'll find a download link and a classic Ben-quip [patent pending] to put inside the card underneath each image so go, spread your feelings (and my designs, yay) like so many love-juice based illnesses: