Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Last Minute Christmas Ideas: A Pet Rock

'Tis the season to be lazy. Fa la, etc. I'm afraid I'm going to be fobbing off on a real post this week, so I thought it only appropriate to help you, yes you, dear reader, fob off on your gift giving this year. Why buy someone something nice and useful when you could make them something they'd never possibly want instead? As such, I give you...a pet rock!

The gift tag says "Help, I'm trapped inside a tiny purple bag!"
OK, so I promise it's not the massive skive of a gift that I alluded to it being. I gave this to a friend of mine as a wee jokey present and made a little guide to looking after their new pet rock, so a good couple of hours of MS Paint went into this; that's plenty effort. This post, however, not so much. If you'd like to make your own pet rock, all you need is:

- A rock
- Some googly eyes
- Glue (strong stuff)
- Paper
- A printer, preferably with ink in it

Step one, you could probably work out yourself. Glue the googly eyes onto the rock. No shit. This is the worst crafting post ever; does it even deserve that difficulty rating? Eh, why not.

Difficulty - 0 (10 if you are also a rock)
Duration - Infinite (you never stop looking after a pet rock)

"I will outlive you."
Googly eyes on? Good. Now print out my little booklet. See? I've done all the work for you. Really it's you who is the slacker. For shame. FOR SHAME

I've shown the pages below individually, but the best way to print them is obviously paired like their pages would be so you can staple it together. Oh yeah, you need a stapler.

- Stapler

It's darned annoying that Blogger doesn't let you show separate images side by side, so I'm afraid you're going to have to exercise your scrolling finger. Other than this, I can't really think of anything else to tell you... Well, I guess, you know, have a nice Christmas and all that.

Love you.

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[So has this one]


[Redaction has been redacted; original text follows:]

Scientists have narrowed Emma Stone's appeal down to either her cartoonishly huge eyeballs or her "husky 60-year old with throat cancer" voice.

Rocks don't sleep. They wait.

Other illnesses cut from the final edit:
- Limestone Disease
- Acid Rain
- Tectonic Eruption
- Earthquake
- Psybeam

Ah shit, I got into naming Pokemon moves again.

Pulitzer Prize-winning stuff, this.

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