Tuesday, 30 July 2013

So One Flat Said to the Other Flat...

This flat planning is really starting to take shape now, isn't it? We've looked at the twee-as-fuck (a technical term) kitchen and my pipes-and-sharp-edges themed bedroom, so shall we move onto the last room that is likely of interest to myself and you lovely readers? The living room. The beating heart of any home: for entertaining guests, hanging out, or just relaxing, it's got to be perfect. And boy, do we have plans for this...

The geeks are coming to town!

If this isn't the first town you thought of, piss off.
I mentioned that Georgia had the privilege of heading the style of the kitchen in exchange for mine and Nadine's (my other flat-mate) complete control over the living room. Boy, have I taken the opportunity to abuse that power. Shall we have a look at what it looks like at the moment?

Brown and blue, a beautiful combination.

The skeleton wore panamas way before they were cool.

I didn't actually move when I took these; the whole room swivels around the cube.
It's pretty bare at the minute save for the flat skeleton, Stan, and a companion cube; all of the furniture, sofas, tables and such, came with the flat. But there's plenty we can fiddle with in here.

Let's begin with posters. I picked up a couple of extremely clich├ęd "look, I like movies and I'm quirky and interesting" posters for my room in halls at Dundee Fresher's Week last year, but they're a little tattered now (a set of keys found it's way through the Trainspotting one, because halls) and I like a change of scenery, so I went shopping for some new ones. I think on a whole, with Blade Runner, Dirty Harry, The Great Dictator and Oldboy, we've pretty much managed to cover a respectable variety of cinema greats spanning a lengthy time period, plus they'll all look awesome in a nice frame on the wall. A frame which I have still yet to source for the rather large 102x64cm prints that I bought.

Not the first time I've had trouble with things being too big...
Furniture-wise, Georgia managed to pick up that nice DVD cabinet in figure no. 1 for twenty five squidoodles, and it fits in relatively nicely with the battered hunks of wood that came with the place. So all that's left is to add a couple of lamps, for light and shit, and to fill the room with soft furnishings and useless shit.

And it shall all be geeky! We've found: Portal bookends; Portal or Star Trek coasters; a Tetris lamp; Pacman cushions and Facehugger plushies. The idea of creating a green pipe pouffe is also being thrown around, and no, that is not enough geekgasm in one room! Sadly I have yet to find a Bioshock Big Daddy figurine to put in our fish tank, so the planning for the room is so far incomplete.

Now it's 11pm the day before this post is due and I have Whisky Galore to watch (which I'll review on Friday), so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. Goodnight, or if you are part of my Russian reader demographic, good morning. Go get ready for a day of being drunk and getting into car crashes.

Fair morrow, my fine comrades.

Friday, 26 July 2013

Wake Up Alan, Someone's Reviewing Your Game

I like movies, so I review them from time to time (yes, I just hyperlinked my own blog on my blog. Blogception!). So, in a rather dangerously creative train of thought I told myself, "Ben, you also like video games. Why don't you review them?". But surely a blog entirely about reviewing stuff is boring, Ben, is there not another way to talk about my hobbies? "No!" I replied, before slapping myself in the face and throwing myself into a glass table, classic Durden-style.

Internal Sudoku disputes can get decidedly heated.
Reviewing it is then! But I'm lazy and playing a whole video game before talking about it requires a mind-boggling amount of effort on par with what it must feel like to revise for things, so instead I shall play a game until something funny and/or interesting to say about it dribbles out of my mouth and I can collect it from my spittle cup.

A rare photo of Salvador Dali creating The Persistence of Memory.
As is the long-standing tradition here on my blog, the thing I am reviewing is, shock-horror, horror. Hmm, when you have two of the same word together in a sentence it never sounds quite right, right? Ah well, but yes, horror, that's where I was. Survival horror to be exact.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

So This Flat Walks into a Guy...

This post is late. Again. I'm sorry. Again. It won't happen again. Again. Unless the dog happens to eat it. Again.

But Ben this is a blog post, there's nothing to eat, unless your dog has a good stomach for silicon and glass. And you don't even have a dog anyway.

Fooled yet again by that blasted species!
Enough of your nit-picking, conscience, or I'll have you taken round the back of the building and shot. Did I not make a good enough example of dignity and restraint? Didn't I?!

Ahem. So due to my unwavering laziness I have once again found myself behind on posts, so you'll have to do with another gripping update on the plans for my new flat, complete with atrociously framed photographs taken with my disappointing camera phone. I'm naming and shaming you, HTC One X+. Go think about what you've done.

I'm not angry, just disappointed.
We began with my bedroom, so I think we should move into...the kitchen. Now whereas my room and the living room (which shall be covered next time on Blog Filler Decorating) are most undoubtedly my domain when it comes to design choice, the kitchen belongs entirely to my good friend and flatmate, Georgia.

I couldn't think of a caption worthy enough to put under this picture.

Friday, 19 July 2013

Stay Awake While I Talk About Stay Alive

You may or may not have noticed, but I kind of like horror movies. Of the staggering 4 reviews I've done, a mind-blowing 50% of them have been on horror films. That's like at least half of all the movies I've watched for this blog. Dafuq!?

scanners head explode
You. Right now.
And if there's any type of horror movie that will draw me in like a celluloid siren (totally the name of my punk rock band) with it's mesmerising promises of audio-visual wonder, its the cheesily bad budget flick with a spectacularly over the top name and a usually too-good-to-be-true premise. That's why I've sat through such classic masterpieces as My Super Psycho Sweet 16 and the slightly more upper class Wrong Turn slasher movies. Although, that said, up until I just googled that link I didn't realise there were five of them... Someone's got their weekend entertainment lined up!

wrong turn arrow eyeball
When I become a parent, these films will be my babysitters.
Oh yeah, um... Gore warning for this post in case some of you are squeamish. If you aren't but happen to recommend this to any friends who are, it might be a good idea to direct them to this helpful advice before they read any further. Say its just underneath the eyeball kebab.

So, any guesses as to what this review might be on, class? No, Timmy, it's not Beauty and the Beast. Or Brokeback Mountain. Or The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Timmy, have your parents taken the time to measure your Kinsey rating, or activate your Netflix's parental control settings for that matter? Anyone else got a suggestion?

timmy child hard raise
"Shut the fuck up, Timmy."
Yup, it's a horror flick, this one to be precise. Stay Alive is my kind of movie. Horror, video gaming, low budget, an IMDb rating below 5 and a unique(ish) gimmick; in this case it is a mysterious video game that kills you if your character dies in-game, essentially like an interactive rip-off of The Ring.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

So This Guy Walks into a Flat...

Good morrow, my little munchkins! This blog post is not late, I assure you; it just so happens that today is the day that I pretend to live in Amchitka. Not that it matters anyway, I had one blog view yesterday. ONE. All this hard work and look how you repay me! With not even existing. You people disgust me; apart from that one person. So (you people - 1) is more appropriate. Thanks maths.

Now I did tell you that I'd keep you up to date on the goings on of things that weren't me watching movies (which is still totally awesome, isn't it?) so I would like to introduce you to my new flat!

Furnished and everything.

Friday, 12 July 2013

My Post with Marilyn

Eddie Redmayne, you are the luckiest bastard in the world.

If you don't know who our good friend Eddie is, you may remember him as Lispy McLisperton in the recent big budget adaptation of Les Grumpy French Musicians. Good movie. Might do it at a later date.

"Tho long ath you don't poke any more thun at my thpeech impedimenth."
But I do digreth- I mean digress. Why is Mr. Redmayne so lucky? Because he has the wonderful honour of being the humble love interest of both Emma Watson (that would be Hermione Granger, you heathens) and Michelle Williams, who plays our titular leading lady in My Week with Marilyn, 2011's biopic of the fabulous Marilyn Monroe. You probably haven't heard of her, she isn't well known.

"I gave prepubescent males erections before it was cool."

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Five (Random) Things

You readery people are probably getting a little tired of constant movie reviews so I've decided to shake things up a bit and do something different, and this totally has nothing to do with me having not finished the next review yet. The very kind Fiona happened to tag me in one of these chain mail thingys that you can't seem to get away from, so naturally I feel obliged to join in the fun. I won't take the piss too much, promise...

The face of a man who knows how to keep a promise.

Friday, 5 July 2013

And Now, I Spoil The Skeleton Key, With Spoilers

Here's one for you. What do you get when you cross Misery with Scooby Doo on Zombie Island?

Apart from the easiest way to ruin a child for ever.
The correct answer is The Skeleton Key. One of those spooky thrillers that was all the rage around the late nineties and early noughties. Inspired by a certain movie's unusual success and based on the same model of the predictably unpredictable ending, these films are enjoyable for the simple fact that you know exactly what you're getting before you even start the torrent downloading, because who the hell would pay for a movie that looks exactly like the last five?

"I see dead advertising executives."
You may not remember this film coming out. There is not a lot that is special about The Skeleton Key. The only reason I'm writing about it is so I could make the gif up there. You will know the entire plot before I even tell you. After I tell you, you'll know it twice. And you'll have forgotten something important to make brain-room for it. Like where your mum's grave is. Or which of your neighbours is a convicted paedophile. Or which neighbour's house you left your child at.

"From what I can see, he's either at Jackie's having milk and cookies or at Dave's being sodomised."

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

V/H/S, Now on iTunes

Oh found-footage, how we have such a strange fascination with you. This phenomenon is either to satisfy the very niche market of motion sickness fetishists or a perfect example of our sudden, inexplicable need to regress back to a more primitive form. Like some kind of worldwide media version of Altered States.

Except, at the same time, nothing like it.
Now my previous post's mention of the infamous Succubi, or sex demons, reminded me that I had been recommended to watch a found-footage film involving some of the very same creatures.

V/H/S is one such film, and it takes place in a universe where everyone seems to think it's a good idea to record all of their sexual endeavours, whether their partner consents to it or not. Everyone in this movie is vile. From the petty criminals cum voyeurism porn makers who set up the recurring narrative to each of the unsuspecting victims of the movie's wonderfully gruesome monsters. Even the seemingly well meaning boyfriend of tape number 2 is an insufferable creep once he is alone in a room with a half-naked woman.

At last, a place where he belongs.