Dark Souls: Not As Hard As You Think

Pfft. Eaaaaaasy.

So, you've heard about Dark Souls I assume? The spiritual successor to the PS3 sleeper-hit Demon's Souls (a game I've started twice and never finished, for shame), Dark Souls is most well known for being a brutal gauntlet that redefines the human perception of suffering. Your own knowledge of it may start and end at "You die. Lots." and, to a degree, that is pretty accurate. Death is everywhere in this game and if you fuck up, which you will, it will greet you more enthusiastically than a Labrador on ecstasy.

"Sir, is that your dog frantically trying to have sex with a pond?"
"Yes. Yes it is."

As such, when I leapt into the grimy, utterly depressing world of these now 3 games, I was expecting the worst. Demon's Souls took me by the throat and made me eat it. Have you ever seen a video game force a man to eat his own throat?! No, I thought not. That was the level of awful fuckery I was expecting. And granted, the first half of Dark Souls is pretty darn hard, but frankly, by the time the credits rolled, I was underwhelmed by the overall difficulty of the whole affair compared to how it sounds coming from the mouths of those who champion it as an interactive trial by fire. It's tough, yes, but with perseverance and a little time anyone can crack it. The greatest number of times I had to repeat any boss was around 10, which is hardly repeating yourself ad nauseum.

Since I spent the best part of a year playing this game (and thoroughly enjoying it) I thought it best to write at least something about the experience on here. This won't be a complete review or an in depth explanation of the game, there's enough of those already, but just a few observations I've made that stick out to me as often being forgotten when this series comes up in conversation. Here we go.

Stupidity, and Only Stupidity, Begets Punishment

The most common one-word description of Dark Souls, and a description I myself have used, is "sadistic". Why do we say this about it? Is the game revelling in your misery? Does it try to make you fail as often as it can, just to watch the little helpless mouse that is your character scuttle through the maze of spears, ooze and traps again and again? 

"Hi there, I'm here for my 5 o'clock immolation...?"

All in all, "sadistic" could really be a synonym for "unfair". It makes you think that this game is setting everything up into a little domino set of moments designed to fuck you over, like the immensely popular I Wanna Be the Guy, a game specifically designed to screw with you to make you die. It's a complete and utter load of crap, though. Dark Souls does a spectacularly good job of laying everything out in front of you fair and square to then allow you to make your own mistakes. The tutorial level of the game has bad guys hiding behind doorways, so if you forgot to check your corners later on, that's all on you. Didn't think there was going to be a giant boulder rolling at you? Then how do you explain the mangled corpse and crushed tiles lying there in the light of day for anyone to see? Dark Souls is never unfair because it gives you everything you need, either by experience or environmental clues, to manoeuvre the situation correctly; like a puzzle whose solution results in you not getting your ass handed to you.

"We hope you like swinging axe blades and giants hurling boulders, cause we got you a whole castle full of 'em!
Now, question one: Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

 The two most recent occasions I can think of when I died the most suddenly and unceremoniously, together causing me a net loss in the tens of thousands of souls and a half dozen humanity (if you've no idea what I'm going on about, just roll with me here), came in two late-game areas. In one, I had just been killed by a giant flaming tree with a bug-heart and lava wings (again, just let the words wash over you like a wave) and was eager to get myself back to the fight. I sprinted out into a pool of lava, completely forgetting that I had unequipped the ring that was meant to stop me from getting burnt to a crisp by said lava so I could wear something more appropriate for the fire-bug-tree fight. Fwoosh, I died.

In the other, I'd just cleared out a cave of giant skeletons and was feeling pretty good about myself. I found a crypt that was likely full of loot and thought I could take on the three skeletons I'd spotted wandering around down there, so dropped down. Four or five more immediately sprung from the shadows and I was made into yummy adventurer sashimi before I could scream peanuts. Both of those times I was foolish and brazen, forgetting about simple aspects of the game that I'd seen a hundred times before. 

For the rest of my life I'll even kick Tupperware before opening it.

There is then, however, the few occasions when Dark Souls is most definitely unfair, which mainly comes in the form of gammy combat or slightly too tight environments. I'm calling shenanigans right now on those two god-forsaken Anor Londo archers who just...fucking sniping...nnnggghh! Them and the bloody Capra demon are single-handedly preventing me from wanting to play New Game+ right here and now.

Well, that and the entirety of New Londo, but I kind of take that as a given.

The Combat is Great and Awful in Equal Measure

I've been in a total of one fight in my life (I put the guy down in a single hit, like One Punch Pan before her was cool; true story), and so I feel like I'm well versed enough in the martial arts to comment on the quality of video game combat. The Arkham series? Spot on.

This move was actually modelled off of my own fighting style.

After the Arkham games, I would not hesitate in suggesting that Dark Souls take the silver medal when it comes to satisfying, meaty fighting. Which is very fortunate, as it is literally the only thing you do in the game: fight increasingly larger enemies, fight an even larger boss, fight other players invading your game, fight the seductive draw of the fathomless despair that engulfs your world. Initially, it looks like you've really just got the standard light/heavy-attack dealio, but then there's jump attacks, parry/riposte, running attacks, back-stabs, drop attacks, two-handing weapons; and that's without even going into the sundry weapon types which each act and react differently.

The depth to the combat system is splendidly deceptive, particularly as the game never properly introduces it to you, leaving you to find it all out for yourself. There's something very rewarding about discovering that your spear, when held in two hands, inflicts two hit-boxes of damage, or becoming particularly adept with a certain combination of stabby things all on your own. And with the subtle ways in which different equipment react with each other, you're always changing up the way you play; well to a certain extent...

Here we see the famous "Run around naked with a halberd and hope for the best" method.

You see, even with all this delicately-balanced guff going on, fights all usually end up going the same way: block, wait for opening, attack, retreat, repeat. When applying that to almost every boss fight in the game, the "wait for opening bit" is pretty much synonymous with "run around in circles and shove your head up its arse". As for other players, it becomes a matter of who has a bigger stamina bar or, alternatively, resorts to pyromancy first; which is, frankly, a dick move.

"Not cool, mate."

Oh yes, and then there's those moments when the game simply decides it doesn't like you. You see the whole entry above this one about Dark Souls generally being fair and playing by its own rules? Sometimes the enemies don't get that message, and attacks you've clearly dodged will connect, or others will simply decide that walls and other barriers don't count for them (Gwyndolin, I'm looking at you...). It doesn't sound like much, but tell that to the massive boulder-rolling guy who somehow managed to Katamari me up after I was behind him, taking the remainder of my health (and 10'000 souls) with him. Bastard...

No-One Talks About the View

Well, OK. Not entirely true. In-game, it's impossible to go within fifty paces of a sprawling, sun-drenched vista without getting drowned in a hundred "Praise the Sun!" and "Gorgeous view" messages from other players.

"Heh, giant lady boobs."

But back in the real world, people are far too busy discussing what a grammatical change in an item description in the latest update means for the extended lore (see below) to remember that these games could sell themselves on their looks alone. Yes, sometimes the backgrounds look like they wouldn't be out of place in a cheap Dreamcast game, but that's an exception to the rule, and the general environment building and enemy design is phenomenal! I actually had a genuine stop and "Woah..." moment (teensy spoiler alert) upon reaching the Kiln of the First Flame, the game's final area, just due to the brilliant, ash-soaked beauty of what would soon be the setting for an epic final showdown. It was atmosphere at it's very best.

It's not often that games manage that real awe factor.

I've heard that Dark Souls 2 really lets it go on the interesting boss design front, but with this one there were multiple occasions where my first death at the hands of some of these brutes was entirely down to me being dumb-struck at how cool they looked (the big guy up top being a prime example). 

"Goodness, you have wonderful complexion! Do you exfoli-auuuughaeorhppp..."

The Story Doesn't Matter

Die hard Dark Souls fans just love their lore. They get all up in scouring the minutiae of every item to find out what relation giant spider lady was to this that and the next thing. Yes, the story is exceptionally esoteric and open to a multitude of interpretations, as well as extremely engaging and well put together if you'd like to put the time into it (which I, and the some 20 wiki tabs I had open for quite some time, did), but it's really not necessary. Yes, Seath the Scaleless up there may have betrayed all of the other dragons and become the creator of magic as we know it in this world, but to me he's just the naked lizard dude who killed me one time before I got to stab him to death in his weird wriggling dick-snake legs. But that's fine, because these games boil down to being very fancily dressed boss-rushes, and the story is just another treat for those who want it. 

Who needs weapons made from the tails of felled dragons when you could have menu screens instead.

You're not missing out on anything by not bothering to go back to that area you only visited that one time to speak to someone you had no idea was even going to be there, and it's mental that anyone could suggest that. Enjoy the game for yourself the first time around (you'll still be able to complete it even if you miss a few quests or items), and if you liked it, go back with the wiki open and scour every inch to your heart's content.

All in all, Dark Souls has been a lesson to me in taking the consensus on something with a pinch of salt. The expectation of gruelling difficulty in my head couldn't possibly have been lived up to, which marred my enjoyment of the still very hard and possibly best designed late areas of the game, and often I found myself swamped in research trying to understand little breadcrumbs of lore so I could find every secret or just learn more about the world. That's partially a character flaw on my part and also endemic of the community that surrounds these games. People want you to get as much as you can out of what could otherwise be a very sparse experience, which is admirable, but we all need to realise that it's OK to miss a few things or not understand what the hell is going on, because in the end you just killed a giant flaming centipede and all you want to do is savour the moment.

I love you, Dark Souls, you imperfect beauty, you.

The Magical Music of Steven Universe

Now, before I begin waxing lyrical about yet another cartoon that I've fallen in love with, I'd like you to listen to this:

Isn't that just pure joy to your ear holes? The very first note seems to manage to encapsulate a perfect mixture of care-free fun and epicness and the whole thing is 22 seconds of the aural equivalent of diabetic shock. This is Steven Universe at its very core; a great big ball of sweetness with a surprisingly awesome chewy interior. I mean, just look at it; the pinky muted pastel colouring is deliciously gorgeous and the art itself is so fulfillingly crisp and well framed. Hell, I bet I could pick a bunch of random shots from episodes and they'd all look splendid. Oh look, I just did:

I am actively chewing the screen looking at these. If you aren't too, you're soooo weird.

Ahem. So yes, Steven Universe is beautiful; we on the same page? But a show merely being pretty isn't enough; there must be a reason I've gathered you here today to talk about this particular curiosity. And you would be right, sceptical character from an Agatha Christie murder mystery; almost...too right... I'm on to you...

I guess the first thing I should talk about is the show itself which, on the surface, doesn't do much more than many of its Cartoon Network counterparts. The 11 minute episodes follow a monster/mini-plot of the week structure very similar to Adventure Time, with a season-wide (of which there are only one and a half so far) overarching plot that burns slower than an epic put-down in Morse Code. It's also got a healthy share of weird that seems to be a mainstay in most shows of this ilk. There are three things, however, that put Steven a cut above its collective peers. First is, very simply, its unfathomable adorableness.

"Fear the extent of my squee!"

I haven't experienced such concentrated joy and child-like lust for life in a character like Steven since I started re-watching Barakamon just to get a cute fix. But it's not only him; either through wonderfully imaginative animation or moments of dazzling emotional clarity, almost every character in the show's gradually expanding cast provides a moment that'll plaster a grin on your face that could rival the disturbing permanence of Joker gas. Plus, the very premise of a show about a little boy with a pink pet lion going on adventures with a bunch of magical gems is the very definition of saccharine (note: I do not have a dictionary to check this, but I'm, like, 60% sure I'm right).

Oh yeah, Steven has a pet lion. Called Lion.

He's the pink one.

Number two: the writing is brilliant; I brushed on it in the last paragraph as a matter of fact (see: the last paragraph). Taking a cue from anime like Sailor Moon and such (I sooooo don't watch that show from time to time...), the tone of Steven can go from syrupy goodness to heart-rending emotion in a second. And, much like Adventure Time started exploring themes of abandonment, broken relationships and loss in later seasons, Steven shares its time among equally as unexpected a series of heavy topics.

At it's heart, the show is about family, and even more particularly about a family dealing with the loss of someone close to them. Steven has grown up without his mother Rose, a Gem, and with a father who, despite loving him dearly, doesn't have the capacity to care for him; and so his custody is thrust upon the Crystal Gems, who are still reeling equally as much from the loss of their leader, who ceased to exist to bring Steven into the world. Meanwhile, the inhabitants of Beach City deal with issues from over-bearing parents and fathers who work away all the time to having to work the family business or just learning what it means to grow up. What's brilliant is that we see all of these tensions and family dynamics through the eyes of a little boy, who we get to watch grow up as the show goes on. Surprisingly quickly too; at the beginning of season one he's an annoying kid getting in the way and by the end he's holding his own as a crystal gem and even helping those around him do better for themselves.

Every good kid's show makes grown adults cry from time to time.

A lot gets said about this already, but I'll add my voice to the fray: how awesome is it that the cast is pretty much entirely women? There's what, like 3 principal male characters in the whole thing? And that's counting Lion. And guess what, people who expect the world to end if an all-female show ends up being great; it doesn't even seem to try. It took me watching the show a second time round to even notice that all these amazing, splendidly fleshed out characters (Peridot excluded; cause fucken hell, she needs work) were girls. Trust it to be created by the woman responsible for making PB and Marceline's (implied) romance canon in Adventure Time.

Ah yes, number 3. The music. This is especially relevant as one of the best songs yet aired in this week's episode. Skip to about 1:15:

Actually, you know what, I'm just goanna finish this post off with the best music from the show. I'll try my best to limit myself to three...if I can. Before we leave you, listeners, I just have one thing left to say...

The gist of the whole post.

OK, give it up for Steven Universe, everybody!! *woooooo*

Maybe one more...

Film Favourites: Jumanji

"I want to get better at posting regularly," She says. Misses posting last week. Oops.

Anyway, will we get to that now? The posting? Inspired by one of Ben's posts a while ago (cough cough click click), I have decided to dedicate this weeks post to one of my personal favourite films.

Do you smell that? That's the scent of nostalgia.

When two kids find and play a magical board game, they release a man trapped for decades in it and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game.

This movie came out the same year that I was born ('95, represent!), so I can't really remember how old I was when I first watched it. I'm going to find it difficult to talk about this film objectively because I just love it so damn much, but I'll try.

Still gives me chills.

I remember talking to someone not that long about this film, I was absolutely flabbergasted that she hadn't watched it when she was a kid. She then went on to tell me that she had tried to watch it when she was younger but it was way too intense for her young little mind to handle. But that's what I loved! Everything that can go wrong in this film, goes wrong. There's giant killer spiders and monkeys and stampedes and weird 'day of the triffids'-esque plants and argh I love it.

Not to mention this scary motherfucker.

Personally, I think this film is a perfect mix of everything. It sets up the characters back stories nicely so I actually become attached to them so when things start getting tense (which is pretty regular), I'm on the edge of my seat, beads of sweat dripping off my forehead. It mixes together a good formula of tense/funny and sweet. The children in this film are parentless, so throughout the course of the film, Robin Williams' character, Alan Parrish, and Bonnie Hunts character, Sarah Whittle, become parental figures to the children, which lends itself to quite a few sweet scenes. You know, when people aren't being turned into monkey-things and men aren't being hunted down ruthlessly at gun-point, it can actually be a kind of sweet film. Sort of.

Uhhh, yeah, okay. Point taken.

Cute moments aside, let's get down to the nitty gritty, the action, the real meat of the film to get your teeth into - when they start playing the game. Let me tell you, to this day, when young Alan starts to get sucked into the game and the bats are attacking Sarah, my heart is hammering against my chest. Sure, the special effects are questionable at times, but try and show me someone who didn't lose their mind during that stampede scene and I will show you a liar. When I hear the dramatic music start and Alan pull the game out of the brick wall at the beginning of the film, urgh. Perfect. The music is absolutely on point throughout the entire film anyway.

This looks like such a happy picture of a family getting together to play a board game.
How misleading.

I was thinking about the point that I initially became interested in film, because I have loved films for as long as I can remember and I remember with crystal clarity the feeling I got when I realised I would be able to study film. Like, for some reason I hadn't considered studying film for the longest time and then, with the chorus of a thousand angels and a blinding light, I had the epiphany - the epiphany that I could actually study film, as a real degree. I could study how to make films and write films and look at films critically and films. Anyway, I've gone off in a tangent, where was I? Ah, yes, the point where I became interested in film. I was able to trace back my interest in film to this movie. As soon as the gang are together (Alan, Sarah, Judy and Pete), that's when the film is at its high point. Everything is set up perfectly to get all those characters in the positions they need to be but as soon as they're all together, the film really hits its stride.

You sneaky, genius, conniving bastard.

A quick google of this title will show you an abundance of below par reviews (I'm looking at you, metacritc, 39%, seriously?), but don't let them fool you, my opinion is clearly better. I would definitely recommend this film for all to watch - as a shameless nostalgia trip for those who watched it in their childhood like I did, as a way to catch up on a missed film-watching opportunity if you didn't get the chance to watch it, and as a general fun watch if it's a friday night and those plans that you were totally buzzing for fell through, because that's what this film is. It is fun. It's a great edge of your seat, wild ride and leaves you wanting to fist pump the air when the characters overcome the many, many, many obstacles that the board game creates. 

Right, I shall wrap it up there. Less of a review, more of a shameless nostalgia-fest wherein I was allowed to be self-indulgent. Proper reviews return next week. 

Hopefully I shall see you all then!

Film Favourites: Jurassic Park

Even the poster gives me tingles.

The Film

From back in the glory years of Steven Spielberg before A.I. and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ruined his winning streak, Jurassic Park is either one of your favourite movies or you are an evil alien from the planet Killjoy in the galaxy of Funlessness and we must now burn you. With fire.

The cow had it easy...