Now I did tell you that I'd keep you up to date on the goings on of things that weren't me watching movies (which is still totally awesome, isn't it?) so I would like to introduce you to my new flat!
|Furnished and everything.|
That's a cupboard. Nice, isn't it? It's in my room. I think I'll probably store more stuff in it. This, incidentally, was probably the cleanest part of the flat when we first got to poke or heads in the door; the whole place was disgusting. I wish I could say I had taken before/after photographs but I was too busy vomiting into my hands because I didn't want to go near the toilet that smelled of rotten eggs to really make the most of the opportunity. To get the place up to liveable standards it took us a solid three days of cleaning, only stopping to eat, sleep and procrastinate. But at last its starting to look less like a trashed Young Ones set and more like home.
|We're keeping the bike though.|
I thought it might be nice for you to see a bit of a transition from 'bare, rented flat' to ' My Flat, God-sarnit!'. As such I'll give you a walk-through of the interior design choices of each room along with what I would rather turn it into over the course of a few posts to aid my laziness and lack of imagination. This is undoubtedly a good idea because, obviously along with all of my other talents, I also have as much interior design experience as James Cameron has modesty, so sit down, shut up and feel my knowledge penetrating your squidgy flesh.
Seeing as you're already in the
sex dungeon bedroom cupboard (get the fuck out of there, it's kind of creepy) we might as well start with my room.
|This post is also available in my new book of erotic fiction: "Blog Me Harder"|
|Where I will sleep.|
|Next to where I will sleep.|
|Where I will sleep when I should be working.|
The walls are yellow. Not a nice pale "oo, isn't that refreshing, darling" kind of yellow, more a "you should probably go get that checked out" kind of yellow.
|Etsy, you're always there for me when I need you most.|
Now we're getting somewhere. So what else do I need? More stuff for the walls, methinks. Oo, how about a big black and white canvas print of something movie-ey but still with that mechanical feel? Like that scene from Alien. Or the opening shot from Blade Runner. Or I guess I could just get a picture of Pripyat.
|Makes for a good talking point at parties.|
The only thing I have no idea what to do with is the shelf above the wardrobe. The attentive few of you may have spotted it in the picture above and I'm completely at odds as to what it could be used for. The boring choice would be a lamp. I refuse to be boring! This room needs a mascot, something that fits in with the theme, but is also close to my heart. Something that will watch over my domain while I'm at uni learning how to kill people and get paid for it. Something completely and utterly fucking awesome.
|"£528? You take payments in human blood, right?"|
But It Could Be...
A Torture Chamber!
What else could this room be? Sickly, tortuous wallpaper. A nice big storage cupboard for the bulkier equipment. It's perfect. All you'd need to do is replace the bed with an operating table, or failing that, a large sacrificial altar (Home Bargains has an offer on for them at the moment: Buy one altar, get a free virgin) and a cheap set of gardening equipment and you're ready and rearing to go! Anatomy dissection, eat your heart out.