Saturday, 8 November 2014

17 Thoughts Everyone Has During Bootcamp

Thought I'd try this week to do a post a la Buzzfeed, "(insert number) thoughts everyone has during (insert activity)!" Because here at Pop Culture Cynic, we're all about trying new things, and one of those new things you may have decided to try is Bootcamp, based off my post last week! If that is the case, check these out and be prepared.

[Editor's Note: This article is a piece of satire. We totally don't regularly use list articles and a heavy concentration of stock photos to hide our poor journalistic style. We are artists, we're much better than that! That is all.]

1. Yeah, doing the exercise, this is going to be great!

I'll look like this in a week, right?
2. Oh no. This is not great. This is the opposite of great.

3. Wait, it's only been five minutes? How does time move this slowly?

This is how science works, right?
4. Is this pain in my chest normal or has my lung collapsed?

Collapsed lung, or those feelz from that last episode of Orphan Black
finally hit me?
5. Surely he's going to say we can take a ten second rest soon, right?

Catchin' some zzzz's.
6. Nope, he clearly intends to work us into the ground.

Me, an hour later.
7. I shouldn't have eaten that burger today. Or drank that cider. Or eaten those two bags of malteasers.

So what you're saying is ... this isn't a normal lunch?
8. Why did I sign up to do an exercise course outside, at night, at the beginning of winter? I can't feel
anything. Not toes, nor fingers, nor feelings. I am dead inside.

"Welcome to the GUN SHOW!" *Flexes bones, bones snap*
9. 'Running for your life, from Shia LaBeouf, wrestling a knife, from Shia LaBeouf ...' Goddamn that song is catchy.

"There's blood on his face... My god. There's blood EVERYWHERE."

10. Right, I'm going to overtake this person, that'll be my goal. Yeah, suck it lady, eat my dust!

My competitive nature sometimes get's the best of me.
11. Oh shit, that lady I just overtook is now overtaking me. This is embarrassing. I'm also 99.999% certain that that middle-aged blonde lady is about to lap me for the fourth time. Oh dear.

She's coming for me. She can smell my fear.
12. Still waiting on that rest...

It would be so beautiful.
13. Maybe if I just take this round easy he won't notice ...

Gotta love taking it easy.
14. He noticed, shouted at me, and extended the length of time of the exercise. Awesome.

15. The noises of pain that I am making sound incredibly sexual and I don't even care. S'up person jogging past, enjoy my moans.

"I hate you so much." "Susan, please."
16. I think I'm going to die. Like, not in a melodramatic way, like in a literal 'I am dead' kind of way.

Like, I know I'm dead and all, but it's not my cheat day yet, so no skipping.
17. Hey, that wasn't so bad! Can't wait for next week!

I'm done. Finished. Out.

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