Cucumber Banana Tofu

Well, it's been a bit of a bumpy month in terms of posting, hasn't it dear readers? Let's not revisit the time where I said I was going to be committed to posting regularly and to a higher quality of writing, and instead, let us mark this as the beginning of a new leaf.
Today, I shall be discussing a series (or, well, three, I guess?) which I have recently finished watching: Cucumber, Banana, Tofu.

I could try and say that this poster isn't what it looks like, but then I'd be lying.

Right, I'm going to briefly explain what all of this is about and then go into more detail for each segment for the review-y part of this post, cause isn't that what I'm meant to do? Review?

Cucumber is a 45 minute long episode following the same characters (primarily Henry and Lance, but I'll get to that in a minute). Banana is a series of 20 minute self contained episodes which focus on different characters within the LGBT+ community which have usually appeared within the previous episode of Cucumber. There is overlap between the two shows, so watching them in succession is important, but not crucial I'd say. Finally, Tofu is a 10 minute documentary series featuring the cast and crew of Cucumber and Banana, as well as other guests, to talk about sex. 

Right, have we got that?

Cucumber

The aforementioned Henry (left) and Lance (right).

Like I say, Cucumber focuses on the life of long term partners Henry and Lance, featured in the picture above. It is very much about the middle aged, middle class gay. Having been together for nine years when the audience is introduced to them, you just know something is going to go wrong. And it does. Because what's interesting about a happy couple going about their happy couple ways? Exactly. So when things do go awry (and in quite a spectacular way), the couple see themselves no longer together and having to navigate the world by themselves for the first time in nine years. Henry finds himself somehow living (or squatting, we're never quite sure), in an abandoned loft of sorts with two young men from his work, Dean and Freddie, however their stories are more prominent in Banana, as that's where the two shows differentiate. Cucumber (like I say) is the middle age, middle class gay, and Banana is the young LGBT+ community, using Grindr and Tinder and Facebook, all on their iPads and smartphones, knowing at any given point where the closest shag is available. Lance remains the voice of reason (mostly-ish), who stays in their house and tries to get Henry to see how much of a bloody arse he is being.

We watch as Henry and Lance's relationship changes and evolves, stretches and strains. We see the power balance tip, and the two scramble for control in a relationship quickly spiralling out of hand. The characters are wonderfully human as well. Henry and Lance are by no means perfect people. They are both inherently flawed in their own individual way, and you will find yourself identifying with at least one of the characters (if not a little bit in all of them). This can sometimes be a touch worrying, when you can see yourself in the awful character before you, doing and saying horrible things and yet you know you to would do that. Or have already done something like that, I don't know your story.

Banana

The women in the yellow and brown jackets half dancing, half hugging are my faves. Their
episode was great.

I've already talked about how Banana manages to peel (ha! gettit?) away from Cucumber, but another obvious way that I've touched upon is how diverse the characters are. Cucumber is about older gay men. And that's fine, the show follows these specific character throughout its run, so it makes sense that as far as LGBT+ goes, it's only really the G (and a little bit of the B) is explored. Which is why I'm happy Banana uses it's time to really explore the community. We are also given episodes dedicated to Dean and Freddie, Henry's new found flatmates, which gives them a well needed back story and development. And although some episodes do revolve entirely around romantic relationships, it's not what the whole show is about.

One explores the way friendships evolve after highschool, one explores the way OCD can impact a persons life, one explores how people deal when faced with horrifying news and how they want to help. I know that last one was a bit weirdly worded but I don't want to ruin the episode, so in the name of not divulging spoilers, do forgive me. But yes, for the most part, being gay, lesbian, trans etc. just so happens to be part of the character and not their entire personality, which is refreshing. As is the complete lack of coming out stories. 

Tofu

Your American accents are so jarring within this series.

There's not really much to say on Tofu. Soz. Each episode deals with a certain theme which was present in either Cucumber or Banana previously, such as dating apps and first time having sex and (despite what I just said about coming out stories) coming out. Everyone is very frank about what they are talking about, no-one really holds back, which is fun for someone as nosey as me. Another fun thing in Tofu is that usually in an episode, little dramatised stories are interspersed throughout.

All in all, I think the whole series works exceptionally well, stand alone and as a complete package. Now that all the episodes have been released, it's time to binge watch them all on 4oD. And although watching it in succession (Cucumber > Banana > Tofu) isn't perhaps absolutely life and death important, I'd highly recommend doing so.

Until next week, dear readers! 

Terrible Netflix Movies That Are So Awful They're Not Even Worth Watching

WARNING. This is not going to be well written at all. Expect spoilers and sentences that go on forever. Also lots of swearing. [Editor's Note: The management would like to apologise sincerely for the high concentration of the word 'like' and the presence of harmful levels of anguish in the following post. Please consider sending money to the Rhona Netflix Rehabilitation Fund]

Uni. Deadlines. Not doing so well. Netflix. Procrastination. Some of the worst fucking movies i've ever seen in my entire pathetic existence. Probably spoilers because these aren't legit reviews, this is just a list of terrible movies and things about them that make them terrible. These are all pretty exclusively gay movies because the LGBT section of the Netflix categories has the worst films I've ever seen and I'm trying to find the worst. Like, I'm sure the other sections have terrible films, I feel like horror has some gems, but nothing tops the "Jesus Christ this movie is so bad, I'm gonna rip my face off, how did this get made" like the lesbian films of Netflix.

Jack and Diane

Bullshit movie with a shitty font.

So Juno Temple is like a werewolf and also a lesbian and then her sister gets raped at college or something and it's posted online and that story goes fuckin' nowhere, and you know what other storyline goes fuckin' nowhere, the fuckin' werewolf one. No context or anything, she just occasionally gets a nosebleed then it shows like hair moving around a brain and then she attacks Jack but then it's just a bullshit dream or something but then at the end Jack becomes a werewolf? Also Dane DeHann is in this film for like three seconds? Also Kylie Minogue is in this fucking film? Like Jack is meant to be hot shit or whatever but she looks about twelve and Kylie looks like a million year old skeleton masquerading around in a human costume and they make out for reasons (???) and then there's this really awkward scene where Diane is trying to shave her pubes or whatever but gets shaving foam everywhere and her aunt has to help her (??!!!???) and then Jack and Diane have some of the worst, awkward, cringeyist non-sex scenes I've ever seen in my life. Nearly gave up on this film every three minutes, but it was a matter of sick curiosity. Like, this film can't get worse, can it? And then it does. Would not recommend, don't watch it, it's fucking awful.

The Guest House

*SCREAMS INTO THE ABYSS*

This movie got a lower rating on IMDb than Jack and Diane. Yeah. So I couldn't actually make it through this film, it was that fucking awful. The look of the film is hard to describe. Like, "LETS LIGHT EVERYTHING SO IT'S SO GODDAMN BRIGHT AND THEN LETS MAKE THE BACKGROUND OF EVERY SHOT BLURRY AS FUCK AND NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF VARIATION AND EVERY SHOT IS A MID SHOT AND FUCK YEAH ARTLJKSRTLIGDJN". So a goth gets dumped by her boyfriend and then her pervert of a dad is like, "I'm away on business, make sure our new house guest gets eeeeeeeverything she needs. AND NO BOYS." so then he leaves and the houseguest arrives and then they drink wine and fuck. There's stuff in between that like shitty handheld camcorder stuff where the characters get "deep" and the actresses really have a chance to shine as they look wistfully into the camera and ask each other increasingly sexual questions. The goth also stole her boyfriends phone as like revenge or whatever and then she's making out with houseguest naked in a jacuzzi  and the boyfriend shows up and like "where the fuck is my phone?" whilst not being a little phased by the naked ladies having sex. Oh and the goth is like a singer/songwriter or something. I HATE THIS FILM SO GODDAMN MUCH.

Okay, there's only 20 minutes left of it, I'm going to try and finish it.

Update:

UUUUURGH. So they go get matching tattoos of a key and heart shaped locket after only knowing each other for like twelve hours. Also it's so painstakingly obvious that every person who isn't the main characters are not actors, they're just random people. And calling the women who play goth and houseguest actresses is pretty fucking generous. ALSO I'M LEGITIMATELY CONCERNED THAT THESE ARE REAL TATTOOS??? Oh god, goth girl just got out of bed to light some candles, play the piano and sing naked. I'm so done. Oh god the song is so bad. So bad. Ahahah, so it turns out Houseguest and the Dad slept together.

Just watch the trailer I found, it is literally the entire film:

A Perfect Ending

If this poster alone doesn't clue you into how terrible this film is
then you must be legally blind and/or the director.

So this old lady who has never had an orgasm decides to hire a prostitute to help her get one. Jesus fucking Christ. I watched this ages ago and all I really remember is that it's fucking terrible, don't watch it.

Going to end it there because I should be doing uni stuff. If you do want to watch a good movie in the LGBT section, I will recommend (results may vary depending on whether you're using UK or US Netflix (US for life though)):

Blue is the Warmest Color

The Childrens Hour

Stranger by the Lake

Heavenly Creatures

Boys Don't Cry

And maybe Another Gay Movie - it's a fucking ridiculous film but it is entertaining. Graham Norton is in it. What the fuck,

Stranger by the Lake, Let's Talk About You

So, guess what I watched the other day? Stranger by the Lake (or L'inconnu du lac, for all y'all intellectual types), yes, you're right! Wait, how'd you know? Get out my flat.

No witty caption today, I actually really like this poster.

So I was going to write a semi-meaningful introduction about how Stranger by the Lake, directed by Alain Guiraudie, was pulling in pretty impressive reviews, like critics from The Observer, The Guardian and The Telegraph slapping four stars on the top of their reviews, but then I got distracted by this little gem on IMDb:

Lol.