Terrible Netflix Movies That Are So Awful They're Not Even Worth Watching

WARNING. This is not going to be well written at all. Expect spoilers and sentences that go on forever. Also lots of swearing. [Editor's Note: The management would like to apologise sincerely for the high concentration of the word 'like' and the presence of harmful levels of anguish in the following post. Please consider sending money to the Rhona Netflix Rehabilitation Fund]

Uni. Deadlines. Not doing so well. Netflix. Procrastination. Some of the worst fucking movies i've ever seen in my entire pathetic existence. Probably spoilers because these aren't legit reviews, this is just a list of terrible movies and things about them that make them terrible. These are all pretty exclusively gay movies because the LGBT section of the Netflix categories has the worst films I've ever seen and I'm trying to find the worst. Like, I'm sure the other sections have terrible films, I feel like horror has some gems, but nothing tops the "Jesus Christ this movie is so bad, I'm gonna rip my face off, how did this get made" like the lesbian films of Netflix.

Jack and Diane

Bullshit movie with a shitty font.

So Juno Temple is like a werewolf and also a lesbian and then her sister gets raped at college or something and it's posted online and that story goes fuckin' nowhere, and you know what other storyline goes fuckin' nowhere, the fuckin' werewolf one. No context or anything, she just occasionally gets a nosebleed then it shows like hair moving around a brain and then she attacks Jack but then it's just a bullshit dream or something but then at the end Jack becomes a werewolf? Also Dane DeHann is in this film for like three seconds? Also Kylie Minogue is in this fucking film? Like Jack is meant to be hot shit or whatever but she looks about twelve and Kylie looks like a million year old skeleton masquerading around in a human costume and they make out for reasons (???) and then there's this really awkward scene where Diane is trying to shave her pubes or whatever but gets shaving foam everywhere and her aunt has to help her (??!!!???) and then Jack and Diane have some of the worst, awkward, cringeyist non-sex scenes I've ever seen in my life. Nearly gave up on this film every three minutes, but it was a matter of sick curiosity. Like, this film can't get worse, can it? And then it does. Would not recommend, don't watch it, it's fucking awful.

The Guest House

*SCREAMS INTO THE ABYSS*

This movie got a lower rating on IMDb than Jack and Diane. Yeah. So I couldn't actually make it through this film, it was that fucking awful. The look of the film is hard to describe. Like, "LETS LIGHT EVERYTHING SO IT'S SO GODDAMN BRIGHT AND THEN LETS MAKE THE BACKGROUND OF EVERY SHOT BLURRY AS FUCK AND NOT HAVE ANY KIND OF VARIATION AND EVERY SHOT IS A MID SHOT AND FUCK YEAH ARTLJKSRTLIGDJN". So a goth gets dumped by her boyfriend and then her pervert of a dad is like, "I'm away on business, make sure our new house guest gets eeeeeeeverything she needs. AND NO BOYS." so then he leaves and the houseguest arrives and then they drink wine and fuck. There's stuff in between that like shitty handheld camcorder stuff where the characters get "deep" and the actresses really have a chance to shine as they look wistfully into the camera and ask each other increasingly sexual questions. The goth also stole her boyfriends phone as like revenge or whatever and then she's making out with houseguest naked in a jacuzzi  and the boyfriend shows up and like "where the fuck is my phone?" whilst not being a little phased by the naked ladies having sex. Oh and the goth is like a singer/songwriter or something. I HATE THIS FILM SO GODDAMN MUCH.

Okay, there's only 20 minutes left of it, I'm going to try and finish it.

Update:

UUUUURGH. So they go get matching tattoos of a key and heart shaped locket after only knowing each other for like twelve hours. Also it's so painstakingly obvious that every person who isn't the main characters are not actors, they're just random people. And calling the women who play goth and houseguest actresses is pretty fucking generous. ALSO I'M LEGITIMATELY CONCERNED THAT THESE ARE REAL TATTOOS??? Oh god, goth girl just got out of bed to light some candles, play the piano and sing naked. I'm so done. Oh god the song is so bad. So bad. Ahahah, so it turns out Houseguest and the Dad slept together.

Just watch the trailer I found, it is literally the entire film:

A Perfect Ending

If this poster alone doesn't clue you into how terrible this film is
then you must be legally blind and/or the director.

So this old lady who has never had an orgasm decides to hire a prostitute to help her get one. Jesus fucking Christ. I watched this ages ago and all I really remember is that it's fucking terrible, don't watch it.

Going to end it there because I should be doing uni stuff. If you do want to watch a good movie in the LGBT section, I will recommend (results may vary depending on whether you're using UK or US Netflix (US for life though)):

Blue is the Warmest Color

The Childrens Hour

Stranger by the Lake

Heavenly Creatures

Boys Don't Cry

And maybe Another Gay Movie - it's a fucking ridiculous film but it is entertaining. Graham Norton is in it. What the fuck,